LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
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It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
u spoke cat all this time??????
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Close call…
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.