I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
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[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
I can’t deal with men any longer
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off