DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
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When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”