I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
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Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
The internet is full of many things
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
#DesignFail
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.