watergate? u mean a dam??
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My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.