so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
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Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.