If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
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me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.