BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
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writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.