My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
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“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird