BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
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Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!