JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
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[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
*mops up wine with cat*
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum