My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
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Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
some cats are just doing for fun!
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.