my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
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You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.