What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
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I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
#oldknees
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.