Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
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Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha