Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
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Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
uncle dave has been through hell
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?