I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
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Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!