I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
You Might Also Like
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Traveler’s camo
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
That’s no pocket rocket.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…