We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
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If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Cashiers are always checking me out
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”