PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
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You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight