My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
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Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.