*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
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I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
security at the airport getting more straightforward
I think I’ll stand
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry