If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
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Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience