<- sleeps well with others
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Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*