[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
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[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
emergency phone