there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
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I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Whoa… oh I see lol
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Who says great literature is dead?
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent