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My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.