To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
You Might Also Like
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*