Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
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My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date