Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
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Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
My patronus is a cheeseburger
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty