Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
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I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
lot going on here, legally speaking.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs