Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
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[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.