17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
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These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.