Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
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I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
twitter users today: