gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
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When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
excuse me
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
do horses think humans are hats
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.