Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
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Bike for sale
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Genius idea!!
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
just witnessed a drug deal
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?