This is true.
You Might Also Like
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Rather alarming headline…
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?