Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
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My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park