A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
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What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
getting groceries
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what