First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
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If you’re testing me, we failed.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
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