I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
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Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks