No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
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Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good