I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
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I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Salad is the decaf of food.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.