Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
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The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
had to share :’)
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.