Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
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Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
i like to flex on them by shrugging
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life