It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
You Might Also Like
Breaking news:
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
#have a #great #PancakeDay
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Best mom ever 😂