When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
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It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.