We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
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My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
i hope my email finds you on fire
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Looking at you, Jesus.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos