We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
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[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.