Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
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wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.